On Motherhood

When I was just 22 or 23, I was told I'd never have my own children. My body was 'broken' and the odds of me having a natural child was slim to none. I remember at the time being devastated - heartbroken. I felt empty, I felt alone. I wasn't even trying to have children when I was told but that one moment rewrote what I had always envisioned as my future.

Years passed and my life changed. I moved forward as a strong woman, empowered by my desire to be identified as more than just a vessel for procreation. I wanted as much distance between me and children as I could put. The wound was fresh within me still and thinking about it too much hurt in a way that I just couldn't erase.

Fast forward life several years and I came to the realisation that I needed to know definitively, one way or another, if I was truly unable to conceive. Add a few weeks of drama, five months to plan a wedding to my partner of 8 years and a fantastic time as 'newlyweds' and we found out we were pregnant.

Really and truly with child. It was likely one of the most amazing moments of my life. a child, my child was inside of me. It was surreal and joyous and scary and exciting - it was a dream.

And 13 days later, I began to miscarry the pregnancy. I don't think I will ever forget the pain of that miscarriage... Physically, I laboured for two hours but the emotional loss was like something I've never experienced before and hope I will never have to experience again.

But time does help that great sense of loss and almost out of the blue, six months later - with all the odds against our 'timing', we conceived again. It was difficult - emotionally, mostly - because I was so very fearful of losing another pregnancy... We didn't talk about it and we didn't celebrate. We'd been devastated once and we were not wanting to show our joy too soon.

And again, like the first time, I began to spot... We went to the doctor with no hope, resolving ourselves to another loss... But then, during the early ultrasound, we saw the flicker...

The flicker of our baby's heartbeat. Our baby's heart was beating. 140 beats per minute. My husband and I held hands and our eyes filled with tears. For now, our baby was alive.

There was more ups and downs throughout the first of the pregnancy but finally, at about 24 weeks, I felt our baby move. And it all became very real... But not wanting to 'jinx' anything, we still held our breath at each appointment hoping with all we had that they would again find our baby's heartbeat... And each time, they did - and it was beating it's steady pitterpatter rhythm and was constantly 140 bpm.

Soon it was time for the baby's arrival. We'd planned, we'd painted, we'd practiced diapering a very cute polar bear.

But nothing we did or could have done could have prepared us for him.

And as I sit here, preparing for my fourth Mother's Day, I still think my son is the best gift I've ever received.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's in my life and in the world. May we all truly appreciate the gift we've all been given - the best job in the world - motherhood.

MPM # 51

Where did the month go?! It's May 1 - that is the "official" start of Spr-ummer in Canada. It's also been a year since I started my blog! It's been a year of change for my family and I know there will be many more changes in the coming years.

I've been working on a beta version menu planner that I want to share with everyone but I'm not quite done with it so I think I'll release a limited edition with my "Blogiversary Party" next week but it was SO helpful in my "super fast rush and plan" menu last night!

Mother's Day is coming up quick and we are hosting the families next Sunday for brunch!

Here is what's on our menu this week!

May 2 to May 8

Dinners
Monday: BBQ Chicken & Tomato & Cucumber Salad
Tuesday: Assorted Subs
Wednesday: BBQ Hamburgers & Chips
Thursday: Tuna Melts & Salad
Friday: Chicken Nuggets & Fries
Saturday: Chicken Fajitas
Sunday: Ordering In for Mother's Day!

Lunches
Monday: Leftover Pizza
Tuesday: Cottage Cheese w/ onions, cucumber slices & cheese cubes
Wednesday: -
Thursday: -
Friday: Mock Orange Julius Smoothies, PB Sandwiches
Saturday: Crackers, cheese & Sausage
Sunday: Mother's Day Brunch (we're hosting - I'm cooking)

Breakfasts
Monday: Cereal
Tuesday: Toast
Wednesday: Pancakes (frozen)
Thursday: Cereal
Friday: Muffins & cheese
Saturday: Bacon & eggs
Sunday: Mother's Day Brunch (we're hosting - I'm cooking)

TroubleMaker is only going to the sitter's two days a week as my husband's contract is back down to just a couple days a week... My husband just asked for a list of possible ideas that he could serve for lunch but I thought since I was creating the Perpetual Meal Planner, I may as well include all the meals in a day. It helps with grocery shopping and keeping on budget so it was worth it!

For more fantastic menu ideas, check out the Organizing Junkie's Meal Plan Monday! Thanks for stopping by and we'll see you next week!

A Discovery of the Strange Kind

I'm having a great time visiting at my Mom's house... There is nothing like staying with your Mom for a few days to relax and be pampered. My Mom is great - she takes care of me, does all the dishes, tidies up after me (and my son) and there is always an endless supply of clean towels and a fridge that some how always has my favourite things stocked in it. She and my step Dad have a huge yard with a slide for TroubleMaker and lots of room to run and play and a great trail around the yard to walk.

This morning, I needed to let a hem down on TroubleMaker's jeans. I was supposed to do it before I left home but I ran out of time. Knowing my Mom is the crafty type, I knew she had seam ripper in her sewing basket. As she dashed off to shower, I requested the seam ripper. She looked at me sheepishy and said "Oh, it's in the futon room closet... I'll go..." she winced slightly. "No, Mom - I'll find it, I just wanted to know where your sewing basket is." I got up off the floor where I'd been playing blocks with TroubleMaker. "No, no... I'll go." She insisted.

"Mom - seriously, I'll get it. Go shower." I turned to go. "Corrie... I just shoved stuff in there the other day. It's a mess."

Now, I know my mother and messy she is not. Her idea of a mess is most peoples idea of clean. She is meticulous, organized and detail oriented. Everything has a place and a place for everything - she is just like her mother (which I know is the eventual curse of every woman). Nothing is ever out of place - including her perfectly cut hair. My mom embodies organized.

With TroubleMaker in tow, off to the room we went. I opened one side of the closet and didn't see the basket - then I opened the other side and spied the basket about half way down the enormous, but very neatly stacked PILE.

I went and got my camera as I had to get a picture of this. My penchant for stacking and piling had been discovered.

I am a piler... And so is my Mother. She is just better at it than I am.

Reflections of a job well done

I've had a few days to sit back and really enjoy my revamped back entry way. It's so much easier when we leave the house - coats are easy to find, keys aren't falling to the ground as we try to get the right set for the car. The nice thing is TroubleMaker has seemingly learned that we take our shoes of nicely and place them together, as a pair, on the boot mat. He has done it with whatever pair of shoes he is wearing, every time! Prior to this, he'd stand and kick his feet until his shoes would go flying and our tempers flew with the shoes!

It is definitely a fantastic bonus to see our little boy making an effort to keep the back door tidy! I noticed Hubby even wiped Max, our 10 year old Standard Schnauzer's feet when they came in from working in the wet yard! And we are all making an effort to not dump our tissues or random slips of paper on the closet shelf.

So I've learned that organization = willingness to keep it clean. Or at least it seems that way so far!

With Mother's Day approaching and my eventual return to work, I realize that I've not made much more progress on my quest to clean and tidy the whole house. When I started down this road, I'd just left my job of six years and was starting three weeks vacation. At that point, three weeks seemed like a lifetime to get everything done (I had a list of 15 things before I even started the first day and then the 'organize your life' campaign came into my head). Now that I'm 1.5 weeks away from starting my new job, I feel like I've got very little accomplished - except of course being able to spend so much extra time with my son, which is worth more to me than any clean and organized space!

I'm heading out of town to my Mom's for a few days to share a couple of family birthday's and Mother's day but I will be thinking and formulating my next spree of clean... The spice cupboard!