Does he get that from me?

Today, TroubleMaker appologized for something he didn't do. He kept saying he was sorry over and over again.

He was next door playing and one of the boys slipped getting out of the kiddie pool and hurt himself. The child indicated he'd slipped and fell (but he was okay) but TroubleMaker kept saying "Sorry." The neighbour asked him "Why are you sorry? Did you push him?" The little boy who fell piped up and said "No. It was all me. I fell."

TroubleMaker claimed it was all his fault and seemed so heartbroken, apologizing again a couple more times. I impressed upon him that it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't his doing - it was an accident and he shouldn't feel responsible.

It really bugged me. In part because I could hear myself in his words.

I apologize for everything. Sometimes it's like I'm sorry I exist. I don't know why I do it - but I always have. I remember feeling guilty for things other people did (that had no impact on me). It really, really took a toll emotionally on me. I remember once watching one my Dad's vacation films. He and a bunch of people went to the Dominican Republic (I think) and in the video, my great uncle is trying to give a local child some American money. My Dad admonished him for it and I felt guilty! Like eating me up inside guilty.

It was shortly after that I banished the guilt from my body. It still creeps in from time to time but I usually have a firm conversation with myself about how stupid I'm being.

But I still apologize. All. The. Time. I apologize for over cooking eggs. I apologize for forgetting to put stuff away. I apologize for forgetting. I apologize for something not being on TV that my husband wants to watch.

I have now passed that bad little habit onto my son. I'm mortified. I'd noticed he'd been doing it but today, taking responsibility for something he didn't do, drove it home, hard.

I've been trying to stop doing it, I have. But apparently, I'm not being very successful.

Tomorrow, I will do better.