Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Light Inside: Finding Peace

For the past few weeks, my view of the world has been dark, melancholy and pessimistic. Trying to understand my place in the world has had me question why I decided to bring another life into the mean, hateful and angry place. All of this has left me sad, alone and lost.


I'm a happy, optimistic, it's raining sunshine kind of person so this has left me all very bewildered and not at all at peace with my existence.

But sometimes, peace and tranquility finds you in the most unexpected and unimaginable way. And today, it found me.

It started simply enough with my step dad asking for help unloading and moving his quads. He needed a couple of extra drivers to ferry the quads and drive his truck. We were all planning to go out and enjoy the beautiful fall weather so away we went. By the time we got out to help, he'd actually done what he needed but encouraged my sister and I to take a ride around the field on the quads. He gave us a crash course in Quad Driving 101 and tentatively, I pushed my thumb to engage the throttle. The machine lurched forward so I promptly let go. A couple of hesitant tries and soon, I was ambling across the hay-stubble field, the late fall sun cascading shadows of light through the tall pine and poplar trees. Looking back, I saw my sister flanking behind me, a wild grin on her face. I pressed harder and the machine shot forward, filling my sweater with cool, fresh air.

We raced around the field, laughing, getting silly and frightening ourselves by going up a tiny little incline to get back on the driveway. We drove up to our children and their eyes were giddy with excitement - you could read their question - could they have a ride too?

And with my little boy in front of me, clutching my pant legs, we slowly sped away back into the field. Courses of "faster" and "Weee!!!!" filled the still of the afternoon. The grumble of the engines delighted all of us and as I turned the lumbering machine to race back across the field and TroubleMaker's little hand waved joyously at his cousin as they drove towards us, peace found me.

I suddenly saw the clouds that surround my soul dissipate, the warmth of the sun touched my skin and all the beauty and wondered I'd seen last weekend while we were in Jasper hit me.


And as our confident on the powerful machines grew, we decided to take one of the many trails my step dad has around his quarter section. And as drove deeper into the rugged, Alberta bush, the sense of wonder expanded. The light spilled through the dense canopy and illuminated the mossy ground and the burst of red and yellow leaves dripped with light.


Everything I saw was beautiful - the squirrel running up and down the fallen trees, the old man's beard that grew on the trees, the squishy, vibrant green moss, the laughter of the kids was pure delight.


I know it was just one day and it was a silly activity, but I felt peace and I began to remember that under all the darkness, there is light.

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